Sometimes I reserve what I say for certain audiences, being careful not to possibly say anything that might offend someone. But I'm not going to in this blog...I doubt that the few people I'd want NOT to read this will read it...so I am sure I'm fine. but, if one of these few people does read it - then I've said what I had to say and it's done. I'm going to write all of this in hopes that once I've written it, I won't dwell on it or think too much about it anymore - because I do not want to waste my time fretting over this.

and without further ado...(just wanted to say that)

My brother. not the one that I wrote an "ode" to a couple weeks ago. the other one. The oldest child. The brother I looked up to most when I was younger, always amazed at how many friends he had, how smart he was, how talented he was. Everything he tried at, he excelled at. (with the exception of football, lol) Brandon had it all...charm, charisma, talent, brains, ambition...of the 3 of us, he was the one who'd go the farthest for sure.

Then high school came, and he lost his ambition. He no longer put effort into things, he just did them and if he did them well, then GREAT but if he didn't, oh well. He didn't excel in school, but for not putting a lick of effort into it, I'd say he did pretty well. He was a natural leader, and he could make just about anyone like him.

Then college came and he seemed to somehow hide those other characteristics behind bitterness, anger, rage, frustration, and a complete lack of motivation. I don't know what happened. He likes to blame it on our dad dying, and/or our mom remarrying...but did I not go through those same things? And at an even younger age? Losing our dad was a tragedy, one I will never fully recover from. But to let my whole life go because of that? What good would that do?

So here we are. Me and my brother. The one I thought I'd always look up to...and the only feelings I have when I think of him are anger and frustration. I haven't spoken to him since before my birthday (july 19) and he just contacted my mom yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks. In what form of logic is it acceptable, and a good idea, to not speak to your mother (let me add in that she is a loving, forgiving, supportive mother...not abusive, not someone who abandoned you...a GOOD mother) for 6 weeks? He had very little remorse over it which makes it worse - but predictable. And he didn't care to ask how anyone was doing...not her, not his step dad who has been MORE than forgiving and accepting, or his 2 siblings who have worried about him endlessly. He did tell my mom that he'd be calling me and Brian both last night...of course he didn't.

But I don't even know if I want him to. That would bring us back into the realm of communication...but what do I have to say to him? if he's going to call just to tell me about HIS life and how hard it is to get by, pay bills, his restaurant closed, woe is me...I don't care to hear it. And if he's going to call to ask how I am (which he's not, I assure you) then all I have to say to him are things he doesn't want to hear. I'm not saying that its best if we don't speak, he's my brother and I can't imagine a life without him in it. Then again, I've had a life without him in it for a long time. Our once a month conversations that consist 100% of his life...those don't quite make me feel like he's IN my life. He doesn't know one thing about me.

I could go on and on...and in my head I'm sure I will. I had hoped that writing all this down would relieve some of the pain and anger, and let me free of it all but it hasn't. I only feel more frustrated, more angry, more hurt...I don't know how to get rid of it.

Until I figure out how to truly let it go and let God handle it (because obviously I'm not going to be able to) I guess I'll just be bothered by it and dwelling on it. So I pray I can let it go...