What a Beautiful Day

I got my dress yesterday! Do you think its at all possible that MY dress is even prettier than the sample I tried on? Because I do :) All of the stupid petty girlish worries I was having about "oh maybe i picked the wrong dress" or "oh i like her dress better" all went away the second I saw mine on the hanger...and it only got better when I put it on! I didn't want to take it off...I just wanted to stay in the bridal store, wearing my dress, all night.

I suddenly understand 100% why Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica sat on their couches wearing wedding dresses!

And, with the excitement of my dress, comes complete impatience for December 15 to get here...get here and then PAUSE. I don't WANT it to go by as fast as everyone says it will...I want to wear that dress forever, really!

I think that this was the perfect way for me to try to lose those pounds I gained in college. Its such a funny thing - losing weight. I never feel like I'm any different than I was before, the only way I truly can't argue it is by looking at pictures of me in the dress in March, then May, and now September. My clothes fit somewhat differently, but I still feel like I'm the same size I was...I don't see a difference in the mirror, I don't see a difference in recent pictures I've taken so I think I'd get really discouraged and want to quit if it weren't for the pictures of me in the dress! I'm still not where I'd want to be, but who is? I mean really - I don't think I've met one person who says "I am completely happy with my body, wouldnt change one part, wouldnt lose or gain one pound, I just love it" So I think what is more important than me getting down to that goal size, is learning to be comfortable where I am. Maybe I'll lose the last bit of weight/inches that I'm hoping to lose, and maybe I won't. But if I can't learn to be comfortable where I am, I probably won't be comfortable wherever I end up either - as sad as that is.

I think my mom is worried that I'll get that exercise addiction disorder (i'm not sure what its called) She keeps stressing that I'm the "perfect" size right now...that I don't need to lose one more pound. But I think I have a pretty good outlook and rational mind about it all. I can see how one could get that disorder though - once you've gone to the gym on average 5 times/week for 8 months, its hard to imagine not going. But I think I'll be able to curb what I'm doing, and how often I'm doing it, in order to just maintain a healthy weight and build rather than lose too much or gain it all back.

Or maybe I'm being overly optimistic. I did just get my wedding dress yesterday, and I feel on top of the world. Is being overly optimistic for one day really all that bad?

and a quote I found the other day that I'd love to be able to say I live by:
Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. ~Mother Theresa

sheer excitement

So, just a quick post before I head to church...

I got an invitation to one of my wedding showers yesterday (more for keepsake than actually inviting me...of course i'll be there...) and it was SO surreal. I mean I've been planning the wedding for over a year, and have known the dates and times and such of the showers for months...but to actually SEE my name on the invitation? it took me back for a minute. I've gotten dozens for shower invites in the last 12 years (I was a bridesmaid for my aunt in jr. high - she had lots of fun showers!) But seeing "A Bridal Shower Honoring Amanda Blair" just seemed too weird. Awesome, but weird.

I can not explain the excitement I'm overflowing with. Its just a constant state of anxiety (in a good way) impatience, and complete ... yep, excitement is the word :) I can't wait to go to the showers as the guest of honor rather than a guest (though being a guest is fun too!) and then see all the people who are coming in for the wedding...such a blessing and a reminder of how loved we are.

AHH I can't wait! :)

my brother

Based on last night's horrific display of football, its a good thing I got an email beforehand that had me overflowing with pride.

If you had told me 10 years ago that I'd have the relationships with my brothers that I have today, I'd have laughed in your face. In fact, the only way I would have believed it would have been if they were reversed...my relationship with Brian would be like mine with Brandon, and vice versa. But - it is what it is, and I'm so blessed and thankful for the relationship that Brian and I have built. I miss him terribly, and hate that he lives so far away, but when I get the occasional email from him, see new pictures, or see things like this - I don't feel like its been over a year since I've seen him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_C4M5rEVX4

Yep - thats my brother! I am so proud!!!

And, since I'm apparently writing an ode to him, I have to mention how blown away I was at his thoughtfulness and selflessness recently. A few months ago he had told me that he and his girlfriend Hillary would be flying down sometime around Dec 12 for my wedding, which is the 15th. He has a free 2 week stay and free airplane ticket to Houston that he got when he reenlisted in the Army, and he wanted to be home for Christmas which is why he chose the 12. I said "Oh, darn, I was hoping Hillary would be in town on the 8th because Alexis is throwing a shower or bachelorette party or something. But I totally understand wanting to be home for Christmas, and I'll be excited to see y'all whenever you come" It was never mentioned again, but then 2 weeks ago he called me to make sure it was the 8th that I wanted hillary there, because he was buying plane tickets and wanted to make sure that neither of them missed any aspect of my wedding that I wanted them to be at. I said "Oh Brian you don't have to sacrifice your Christmas at home for Hillary to be there, its ok" and he said "no, we are coming down for YOUR WEDDING, not for MY holidays, so we're going to be at everything you want us to be at" I was just taken aback...I know my brother is a thoughtful person, I just couldnt believe that he valued my wedding shower over spending Christmas with his family - especially since he hasn't in 4 years.

So - thats my Brian. as many times as i've wanted to wring his neck in my life for being a pest, a nuissance, too silly, or irritating - he is one of the greatest blessings in my life and I can't wait for him to walk me down the aisle in 2.5 months!

some days are better than others

Today isn't one of those days :) All I can think about is how much I'd rather be in College Station right now, preparing to go to Kyle Field to watch the aggies btho miami on the 12th Man Tv. (The one I've never seen in person because I've been detached from the city for too long.)

Ah well, there is life after college...

I am going to watch the game at Boston's where my friend works part-time as a cocktail waitress. I'm really only going because she wants to see me "in action" at a game, wants to see my reactions and see me vent my frustrations (which hopefully won't happen all that much!) So, I may turn into a spectacle. At the end of the night, I don't care how much of a fool I've made of myself - as long as the Aggies pull another one out (preferably by more than 2 points, but I'll take what I can get)

Austin is gone - he's been gone a week now - and I guess its true that absence makes the heart grow fonder...though I still would rather him be here and my fondness just stay how it was before :) I've been really busy since he left, which has made time go by faster...so I guess if a separation ever occurs again I'll know to just keep my dance card loaded.

Its funny how stupid little things can change your mood/attitude about something. I was really down in the dumps this morning about being here vs. in Texas (which is a mood that comes and goes rather often) and I got to work to find an odd looking photo hanging in my cubicle...I believe it is some rapper, though my knowledge of rappers ends with MC Hammer, knelt towards the ground with an 80's style boom box and a caption "yes, yes ya'll" I am not sure who hung it, the guilty party won't confess, but I have my suspicians :) The significance of it is nonexistant - it was just put up because I am constantly made fun of for my Texasisms, y'all being the most prominant. But just when I feel like I want to leave, I am pleasantly surprised with a piece of trash in my cube reminding me that even though life isnt what it was in college, I still have a blast here and have met some awesome people who make my days at work go by faster than expected, and almost always make me forget how little I like my job :)

So I guess thats all for now - I suppose not a lot has changed since my last post, still the inner battle of home in Texas vs. home in Denver. but i'm getting there...

...and I'm back.

I did one of these in college for a couple of years - I'm not sure what made me stop, but I really enjoyed it...so I'm going to attempt to get back into it. I realize my leisurely time now is more scarce than before, but I'll do my best. Instead of "introducing myself" via blog, I'll just assume whoever is reading this is pretty up to speed on me and my life...so I'll just start from here.

I've found myself in a funny place lately. For as long as I can remember my plan/dream has been to move out of Texas after college. When I was little I wanted to go to Maine, in high school I wanted to go to North Carolina - and in college, I just wanted to live where there was snow. So when Austin asked me to move to Denver with him, it didn't take long for me to make up my mind. What could be more perfect than Denver, Colorado? let me just answer that for you - not much. With the amazing seasons, the beautiful mountains, the sparse existence of traffic...I can't think of many things that could make me love Denver more.

Except my family and friends. When I dreamt of moving away, for those 20 some odd years, I never stopped to think about what that would actually MEAN. What actually happens when you move away from everyone you've ever known. And frankly, I don't like the result. As completely selfish as this will sound, part of me gets hurt when I realize that they, too, have moved on to new aspects of their lives. Its almost as if I expected their worlds to pause while mine moved on, only to hit "play" when I was in town to visit. But sure as the wind, they moved on too. new friends, new loves, new heartaches, new jobs, new hobbies, new hangouts...my mom even has a pool that I've never swam in! How is that possible? I miss out on so much of their lives, that when I stop and think about it the only thing that calms my pain is the idea of moving back.

Which brings me to the odd spot I now find myself. If I were to move back home, I'd be in the same boat. I've made friends here in Denver that I can't imagine moving away from...just as I couldn't imagine being without my friends back home. So what then to ease the pain? Is it too much to ask that they all move up here? I mean - who wouldn't want to live in Denver? (besides the billions that choose NOT to live here...)

This is where I have found my mind too many times to count in the last couple of weeks...what to do to ease the pain? Will it ever lessen? Will I ever not feel a pang of jealousy when Alexis tells me about what she did with her friends that day? Or when I see pictures of friends at aggie football games, all still hanging out like before?

All unanswerable at this point, but I guess with change comes opportunity so I do my best to focus on how blessed I am here rather than look at all the things I walked away from. Its been an amazing, wonderful, painful year in Colorado - I am extremely blessed to have met the people I've met, to have my job, be where I am, and I couldn't ask for more blessings or happiness. The longer I'm here, the more and more it feels like home...but I don't think there'll ever be a day when Houston doesn't.

So there you have it - insight into my thoughts for the day. I'll do my best a.) to not make this a one-hit wonder, and b.) to make tomorrow's a little more light-hearted than this one. until then...