I'm in Houston...muggy, humid, ...at least its not hot :) I am going to do my best not to complain the whole time I'm here...seeing as I CHOSE to come here I can't really complain about it. But I think if you'd lived in Denver for 1.5 years then moved back to Houston, you'd be somewhat heartbroken too.
But its good to be back. Good to be with friends and so close to everyone. I haven't really done anything since I've been here, but I have lots of tentative plans coming up that I'm really excited about. And I know in light of everything this is the best place for me to be right now.
My brother's birthay is next week. We haven't talked since Christmas, but he did call me the other day and and I need to call him back. I wonder if I'll see him. It's weird to think that I'd be in Houston on his birthday and notsee him, but my mom thinks he'll be working and busy so she doenst think she'll see him either. I am living near the restaurant he works at, The Steamboat House on the beltway, but I don't know if I'll ever go there cause its supposedly really expensive. Maybe I'll take Austin when he gets home.
I said I have lots of plans...but i have WAY more plans for when Austin getshome! Not sure when we'll even have time for everything I have planned lol. But planning and coming up with ideas of what we can do is fun and it gets me excited for when he gets back. It sounds funny I'm sure, cause its so far away, but if I'm excited for him to get back then...for a moment...I'm not sad that he's gone.
Well, I guess I better go. Random entry, I know, I just wanted to say I'm back in Houston and looking forward to an eventful 8 months!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
let me just brag for a minute...
I have the absolute best husband in the world. Don't try to argue, its true.
I was very blessed to have the dad I had growing up, and sometimes I try to comfort my own loss by saying that some people won't have that sort of relationship with a parent at any point in their lives, and I got it for 13 years. One of the biggest things I gained from having him as a father, was seeing him as a husband. He wasn't perfect, I'm not idealizing him because he's gone, but he was a fantastic husband to my mom and he showed me what to expect.
I always thought I'd set the bar too high if I demanded someone be as romantic yet strong, as funny yet sincere, as compassionate yet firm, and as ... incredible... as my dad, so I just decided I'd look for those qualities but not demand perfection. Austin far exceeds my expectations every day, and I am often just blown away at how wonderfully he treats me.
I don't say this in a conceited or self-centered way at all, but sometimes I think he worships the ground I walk on and he'd do absolutely anything to make me happy. He knows just what to say at all the right times, knows how to comfort me when I need it and how to give me space to work out my own issues when I need it. He's funny at all the right times, he can lighten any mood with his laughter, and he brings me more joy than I ever knew was possible.
I realize that this sounds cliche - I realize that those are all the things you read in novels, and the words lose their integrity because they're said so often, but I just can't describe it in any other way. I miss him terribly now, with him being gone, but when I stop and remember all the reasons I love him, and all the ways that I am just so blessed to have him, it makes missing him less painful - and just makes me more excited for him to come home.
I was very blessed to have the dad I had growing up, and sometimes I try to comfort my own loss by saying that some people won't have that sort of relationship with a parent at any point in their lives, and I got it for 13 years. One of the biggest things I gained from having him as a father, was seeing him as a husband. He wasn't perfect, I'm not idealizing him because he's gone, but he was a fantastic husband to my mom and he showed me what to expect.
I always thought I'd set the bar too high if I demanded someone be as romantic yet strong, as funny yet sincere, as compassionate yet firm, and as ... incredible... as my dad, so I just decided I'd look for those qualities but not demand perfection. Austin far exceeds my expectations every day, and I am often just blown away at how wonderfully he treats me.
I don't say this in a conceited or self-centered way at all, but sometimes I think he worships the ground I walk on and he'd do absolutely anything to make me happy. He knows just what to say at all the right times, knows how to comfort me when I need it and how to give me space to work out my own issues when I need it. He's funny at all the right times, he can lighten any mood with his laughter, and he brings me more joy than I ever knew was possible.
I realize that this sounds cliche - I realize that those are all the things you read in novels, and the words lose their integrity because they're said so often, but I just can't describe it in any other way. I miss him terribly now, with him being gone, but when I stop and remember all the reasons I love him, and all the ways that I am just so blessed to have him, it makes missing him less painful - and just makes me more excited for him to come home.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Change change change...
Ok, its been 2 months...and who knows if I'll keep up with this in the near future, but I'm going to try. I guess its ok that I haven't written in 2 months, seeing as it was probably the busiest 2 months of my life so far...or at least in the last 10 years. Clearly the holidays are always time consuming, then add a wedding to that, Austin getting deployed, and moving back to Houston...I'd say I have valid excuses :)
I would talk about how incredible our wedding was, and how it was the greatest day of my life - but I am sure that's a given. When is someone's wedding NOT the greatest day of their life? (maybe your first child's birth overshadows it, but generally that comes later...) And I made a goal for myself not to relish too much in the wedding once it was over, because I didn't want to be living in the past...living in the glory of one day. Sure, it was the most beautiful I have ever or will ever look in my life...and it was so wonderful to have so many people there who love and support us both. And I got to meet some of Austin's family I hadn't yet met, which was nice, and see some I hadn't seen in awhile...I had all my closest friends with me all day which was SO special for me...and at the end of the day I walked down the sidewalk being pegged with fake rice and a random bowl as Mrs. Wallis. Climbed in my trailblazer successfully decorated with toilet paper and big tin cans that were VERY hard to remove...and went to the "honeymoon suite" at Camp Allen...the rest I'll just let you imagine. Oh wait - I said I wasn't going to relish on that day.
And I guess I won't go on and on about the honeymoon, cause after all who wants to hear that? Who wants to hear how incredible it was to wake up to the clear blue waters of the Caribbean, walk out onto our private balcony and take in the smell of the ocean? Or about how easy it is to get used to someone making your bed and bringing fresh towels every day (and $4 bottles of water that you weren't aware you were being charged for...) I guess I won't relish in that either.
But all in all, December was hands down the most fantastic month ever. I was blessed to be able to spend so much quality time with my family the week before the wedding, then have an incredibly blessed wedding (the staff at Camp Allen REALLY did us some favors) ... and a honeymoon that just knocked my socks off. Then I got to have a few more days to spend Christmas with my family before heading back into reality in Denver. Did I mention my friends? And how fantastic they were throughout the 1.5 years of this wedding-ness? And how extremely lucky I am that they even still want to SPEAK to me after it all?
I am definitely a blessed woman.
Then the new year came. I guess I was right in high school when I said that even-numbered years are usually more trying for me. Odd-numbered years have always brought about the most surprising gifts, and lots of fun, then the year to follow generally has rougher waters. So it should be no surprise that 2008 would be any different. It seems almost too perfect that 10 years after the worst year of my life would come the next most difficult time for me. There's so many different aspects of this year that I could focus on - most all of them are difficult and will test me as a person.
First there's that 10 year anniversary that is looming around the corner. It always seems to sneak up on me - with the busyness and excitement from the holidays, then starting a new year and then BAM there it is...in my face. Which is exactly how it was in 1998. When you're 13 it doesn't matter how mature you are, you are still never quite aware what it means when a doctor says your dad has one year to live...and you certainly aren't expecting such a tragedy right after the holidays. You're just blindsided. But that was then...this is now. 10 years later. A decade. Do you know how much happens in a decade? And especially THAT decade. Probably the most eventful 10 years I'll ever go through as an individual...I mean you've got the transition from jr high to high school, extra curricular events in high school, learning to drive, first loves, first heartbreaks, then you graduate...and transition into college. the major changes that happen in those 4 years, then ANOTHER graduation, moving out on your own and, for me, a wedding. Its been a busy 10 years, and my dad missed it all. Then come the emotions that in 3 years I will have lived just as long without him as I did with him...which is a milestone I don't ever want to reach.
To add confusion and more emotion, obviously its difficult, nearly impossible, to wrap my head around Austin leaving. Technically he's already left, but he's still in the US so he's not at war. It's still hard to be without him, but there isn't the aspect of him being in harm's way, and I still get to talk to him every night. Despite all of that, its still harder than I had even thought it would be. I've kept myself VERY busy, so I don't have a lot of down time to sit and dwell on being alone, but all it takes is 5 seconds of being alone to remind me. It's been 6 days...and every day so far I've been hit with a new aspect of Austin and/or our relationship that I miss. It'd be one thing if I'd forget about what I missed yesterday and moved on to something new, but it just compounds. If this is how it'll be the whole time, by August 25 when he's expected home, I'll be missing 231 things about him/us. It almost seems unreal, because it's just like they say in all the movies and books...it's the little things.
Two days ago what I missed was riding in the truck when the temperature is below 31. Random huh? Both of our trucks have a thermometer on the rear view mirror, and when it gets to be 31 it flashes "ice" every now and then. I don't even know how/when/where this got started, but when it flashes "ice" Austin will start singing "ice ice baby" then make noises that sound like the music that follows that in the song. Then I'll try to convince the thermometer to change by predicting the next temperature it'll fall to, because I know when it falls he'll sing and dance again. (he may kill me for sharing this quirky thing via the world-wide-web, oops!) So driving to work 2 mornings ago, the tears started flowing as I saw "ice" come on the mirror.
I guess if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't miss him like this...but I'm not sure what sort of comfort I'm supposed to find in that fact. I already knew I loved him - didn't need further validation.
So...that's where I am. I won't get into the emotions surrounding leaving Denver for 8 months...I don't think I've even let myself truly think about that yet. For now, its just one step at a time.
I would talk about how incredible our wedding was, and how it was the greatest day of my life - but I am sure that's a given. When is someone's wedding NOT the greatest day of their life? (maybe your first child's birth overshadows it, but generally that comes later...) And I made a goal for myself not to relish too much in the wedding once it was over, because I didn't want to be living in the past...living in the glory of one day. Sure, it was the most beautiful I have ever or will ever look in my life...and it was so wonderful to have so many people there who love and support us both. And I got to meet some of Austin's family I hadn't yet met, which was nice, and see some I hadn't seen in awhile...I had all my closest friends with me all day which was SO special for me...and at the end of the day I walked down the sidewalk being pegged with fake rice and a random bowl as Mrs. Wallis. Climbed in my trailblazer successfully decorated with toilet paper and big tin cans that were VERY hard to remove...and went to the "honeymoon suite" at Camp Allen...the rest I'll just let you imagine. Oh wait - I said I wasn't going to relish on that day.
And I guess I won't go on and on about the honeymoon, cause after all who wants to hear that? Who wants to hear how incredible it was to wake up to the clear blue waters of the Caribbean, walk out onto our private balcony and take in the smell of the ocean? Or about how easy it is to get used to someone making your bed and bringing fresh towels every day (and $4 bottles of water that you weren't aware you were being charged for...) I guess I won't relish in that either.
But all in all, December was hands down the most fantastic month ever. I was blessed to be able to spend so much quality time with my family the week before the wedding, then have an incredibly blessed wedding (the staff at Camp Allen REALLY did us some favors) ... and a honeymoon that just knocked my socks off. Then I got to have a few more days to spend Christmas with my family before heading back into reality in Denver. Did I mention my friends? And how fantastic they were throughout the 1.5 years of this wedding-ness? And how extremely lucky I am that they even still want to SPEAK to me after it all?
I am definitely a blessed woman.
Then the new year came. I guess I was right in high school when I said that even-numbered years are usually more trying for me. Odd-numbered years have always brought about the most surprising gifts, and lots of fun, then the year to follow generally has rougher waters. So it should be no surprise that 2008 would be any different. It seems almost too perfect that 10 years after the worst year of my life would come the next most difficult time for me. There's so many different aspects of this year that I could focus on - most all of them are difficult and will test me as a person.
First there's that 10 year anniversary that is looming around the corner. It always seems to sneak up on me - with the busyness and excitement from the holidays, then starting a new year and then BAM there it is...in my face. Which is exactly how it was in 1998. When you're 13 it doesn't matter how mature you are, you are still never quite aware what it means when a doctor says your dad has one year to live...and you certainly aren't expecting such a tragedy right after the holidays. You're just blindsided. But that was then...this is now. 10 years later. A decade. Do you know how much happens in a decade? And especially THAT decade. Probably the most eventful 10 years I'll ever go through as an individual...I mean you've got the transition from jr high to high school, extra curricular events in high school, learning to drive, first loves, first heartbreaks, then you graduate...and transition into college. the major changes that happen in those 4 years, then ANOTHER graduation, moving out on your own and, for me, a wedding. Its been a busy 10 years, and my dad missed it all. Then come the emotions that in 3 years I will have lived just as long without him as I did with him...which is a milestone I don't ever want to reach.
To add confusion and more emotion, obviously its difficult, nearly impossible, to wrap my head around Austin leaving. Technically he's already left, but he's still in the US so he's not at war. It's still hard to be without him, but there isn't the aspect of him being in harm's way, and I still get to talk to him every night. Despite all of that, its still harder than I had even thought it would be. I've kept myself VERY busy, so I don't have a lot of down time to sit and dwell on being alone, but all it takes is 5 seconds of being alone to remind me. It's been 6 days...and every day so far I've been hit with a new aspect of Austin and/or our relationship that I miss. It'd be one thing if I'd forget about what I missed yesterday and moved on to something new, but it just compounds. If this is how it'll be the whole time, by August 25 when he's expected home, I'll be missing 231 things about him/us. It almost seems unreal, because it's just like they say in all the movies and books...it's the little things.
Two days ago what I missed was riding in the truck when the temperature is below 31. Random huh? Both of our trucks have a thermometer on the rear view mirror, and when it gets to be 31 it flashes "ice" every now and then. I don't even know how/when/where this got started, but when it flashes "ice" Austin will start singing "ice ice baby" then make noises that sound like the music that follows that in the song. Then I'll try to convince the thermometer to change by predicting the next temperature it'll fall to, because I know when it falls he'll sing and dance again. (he may kill me for sharing this quirky thing via the world-wide-web, oops!) So driving to work 2 mornings ago, the tears started flowing as I saw "ice" come on the mirror.
I guess if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't miss him like this...but I'm not sure what sort of comfort I'm supposed to find in that fact. I already knew I loved him - didn't need further validation.
So...that's where I am. I won't get into the emotions surrounding leaving Denver for 8 months...I don't think I've even let myself truly think about that yet. For now, its just one step at a time.
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