worst fear = faced

I think its safe to say that if I asked everyone who knows me what my worst fear is, at least 90% of them would get it right: needles. I hate them. Its not the blood that gets me...its the actual needle piercing through my precious skin. I can watch medical TV shows til my face turns blue (this weekend I did...more on that later) and I can handle their guts being thrown about, organs being transplanted, blood spewing out onto the doctors...but the second they pull out a needle, my eyes are closed.

Needless to say (ironic that i just added one letter to the world "needles" there huh?) anyhow...needless to say I avoid them at all costs.

Last Wednesday I was feeling rather ill, and thought I was getting the flu. Thursday morning I woke up to a 102.5 fever, a HUGE headache that felt like the worst hangover in the world, a stomach ache, a constant need to go to the bathroom, and an inability to stand up longer than 3-5 seconds. Austin encouraged me against my will to go to the Urgent Care facility (my dr. was full for the day) We sat in the waiting room a long time where I fought the urge to lay on the germ-infested carpet (that's how painful sitting up was!) and I was finally called back. Ok - so really I only waited 45 minutes...but it felt like hours. The doctor asked a lot of questions to which I mumbled answers, then he quickly diagnosed me with gastroenteritis. don't ask me if that spelling is correct. so, quick diagnosis, that's good. remedy? uh oh.

"We're going to give you a couple prescriptions for the various symptoms, but we're going to need to get you some fluids because you are severely dehydrated. It shows in your skin and lips, and in the urine sample you gave"

I immediately started shaking. Fluids? That means an IV. I've never had an IV, and hoped to have 4 in my lifetime (4 kids=4 IVs unless i'm blessed with twins) The doctor asks if I have any allergies, and i said "just needles" His quick-witted response? "Well if you like I can get you a benadryl shot for that needle allergy" no thanks doc, no thanks.

So, being the "big girl" I am, I opted out of escaping the facility asap...though I heavily considered it until i realized how slowly "asap" would be at that point.

Boy was I a baby! The nurse came in with her little IV kit and I immediately started shaking. hands trembling, lip quivering, legs shaking, eyes watering - you'd think she was doing brain surgery. I squeezed Austin's hand as I cried...no, bawled...and she did her job. She was the sweetest nurse in the world, but she must have been thinking "this girl is worse than any kid i've ever seen, she's insane!"

immediately after she finished I turned to austin and said "New idea: you have the kids"

2 attemps and 10 minutes later, fluids were dripping and freezing my arm off. My mom believes, and I don't argue, that my needle fear is more of a psychological connection to seeing my dad hooked up to so many IVs and being pricked with so many needles during his illness. That may be true...and I like that reasoning better than me being a 23 year old who literally can't sit still when being poked with a little needle smaller than a pen point.

So...after 5 hours I left and went home to start watching season 1 of grey's anatomy. it was hard, seeing as i'd fall in and out of consciousness all day. but...i'm proud to say that over the course of the 3 days that i was out of my back, and the 4th day where i was up and down all day, i did manage to complete both the first and second seasons of Grey's Anatomy. I'm now a whiz.

And on that note, I better get back to work. Or to starbucks...it is 25 degrees outside, after all, and I did eat a total of about 6 meals in the last 5 days...so I think I am in need of a white chocolate mocha.

whirlwind weekend

5 days never went by faster.

I had a wonderful time in Texas, and it is the first time I left thinking "I wish I still lived here". Of course I'd hate the weather and traffic in .02 seconds, and I'd miss the mountains and my friends here in about .01 seconds...but while we were walking to our terminal in the airport, I think i would have traded Denver for Texas in a heartbeat.

Mostly it was hard for me to leave Mimi. I only got to drive to Dallas for a few hour visit - I spent more time en route there and back than I did actually with her, but it was worth it. We watched the Cowboys game, which is always a fun past time to do with Mimi, then went to our traditional Mexican restaurant. As usual, I got choked up as I thought of leaving her and wondered when/if I'd see her again. I get so angry to think that my cousins and uncle live so close to her, yet she hardly sees them sometimes. She has seen me more than my younger cousin so far in 2007 - and that's just sad! But, I'm planning to fly down for her 90th birthday party next month, so I was able to look forward to that rather than wonder when I'd see her next.

But on to the fun part...the calorie intake was incredible and unbelievable, and i enjoyed every minute of it. (didn't enjoy SEEING the calories in the mirror though) When we arrived in Houston we drove to College Station for food tasting at Johnny Carinos to decide on the menu for the rehearsal dinner. There were 5 of us there...and we finished 8 (well, 7.5...the lasagna wasn't that great and wasn't finished) plates as well as 3 desserts. The food was AMAZING and it was almost an impossible decision on which dishes we wanted! I was pretty proud to say I was the least full one of all of us, but then again that wasn't saying much. Then it was dinner for the stepdad's birthdays...when none of us were hungry yet, we went and enjoyed some great TexMex. It was nice to have time to spend with both of our parents - we're always so busy when we're down there that we don't get much parent time. Friday morning we HAD to have kolaches...and of course we couldn't just have one, after 9 months of not having any it had been a long sad road :) Then lunch when we weren't hungry...and of course Whataburger for dinner just because how could we not have Whataburger? And so the calorie count just continued to grow all weekend, eating full meals when we were still stuffed from the last one...from delicious food at the showers, to all our favorite Texas food crammed into one weekend. Needless to say, I didn't eat a bite for dinner when I got home last night, and the motivation to make it to the gym today is skyrocketing :)

And of course...the point of the weekend...our wedding showers! HOW FUN! At first it was very surreal, and almost odd, that they were for me. Being the one who everyone wanted to talk to, rather than just waiting for my moment to talk to the guest of honor was just odd. But it was a blast! I'm so glad that everyone who came was able to make it, I loved seeing everyone and catching up.

So...now its the home stretch. Less than 2 months away is the wedding, and I can hardly believe it. With how busy we're going to be, its going to be here in the blink of an eye! I better get to working...haven't done much of that since I came in this morning :)

have patience...

My mom used to sing me this song when I was little any time I'd be getting antsy or impatient:

Have patience, Have patience, don't be in such a hurry.
When you get impatient you only start to worry
Remember, remember that God has patience too
Just think of all the times that God has had to wait on you (stick out tongue and spit)

I think someone needs to sing it to me right now, because I have looked at the clock approximately every 2 minutes all day, and I just want the next 48 hours to be over already! well, more like 44 hours. :) That's right, in exactly 44 hours I will be landing in Houston (assuming there are no delays)

Well, off to Target and Hallmark...those stores never disappoint, and always make time pass too quickly.

18wheeler

Sometimes you feel like you've just been blindsided by a semi.

Then, sometimes on the very same day, you have to swerve into **thankfully very observant** oncoming traffic to avoid being hit head on by a semi stupid enough to think he had time to turn on his GREEN YIELD SIGN before you'd go through the intersection.

And then, if by chance all of that has happened, sometimes said semi driver looks at YOU like you're inconveniencing his day by making him slow down.


Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed, and maybe today is one of those days.

mums the word

It amazes me sometimes how diverse the culture can be just within our country. Last night I was on the phone with Jodi(a friend from North Dakota), and this was our conversation:
"So, I'm really sad because this week is Jamestown's homecoming and everyone is going but me and Kaila" (Jamestown is the college she went to)
"Oh, that sucks"
"Are you going to aTm's homecoming?"
"Honestly, I don't even know when it is...I know they have one, cause I remember Reveille wearing a mum, but I don't think its a big deal...or maybe I just never heard about it"
"You remember who wearing a what?"
"Oh- Reveille...that's our mascot. wearing a mum"
"oh ok. what's a mum?"
"You don't know what a mum is?"

So when she arrived at my house 10 minutes later I bombarded her with pictures from high school Homecomings, and the mums that me and my friends so proudly wore. Her reply?
"Wow, those are absolutely hideous"

I had told her that to the normal person, they aren't what you would call "pretty" but we loved them and it was always a big deal on how pretty every one's mums were, we hung them on our walls all through high school...just a huge deal. Then it dawned on me...Jodi and I are from the same country and there are so many things that we are both clueless to about each other's background.

That's all - just thought it was odd that what was such a big deal to us in high school, and is all over the state of Texas (maybe all over the south, i don't know) is completely unknown to people only 1500 miles away in the same nation.

And if you too don't know what mums are, go rent "Hope Floats" and when Sandra Bullock is sleeping in her old bedroom, she has mums hanging on the wall. That was my dream, to have all my mums hanging on my wall when I went home 10 years after moving out, but...they were all gone when I went home 10 days after moving out.

is it me?!?!

So, if you didn't read my post earlier this week about my brother, Brandon has been going through some rough patches...actually just one big rough patch. Some things his fault, some not, but he's where he is because of choices he's made...and I'm the first person to tell him that.

When he contacted my mom on Sunday he told her he'd be calling my brother and me soon. He called Brian on Monday night, they talked for awhile. Brian has a gift of saying what needs to be said without being too hard or too soft on the issue. I'm not sure what all was talked about, I haven't gotten in touch with Brian to talk about it, but he did tell Brian that he was going to call me after they got off the phone, along with calling our grandmother the next day.

He did call Mimi on Tuesday. Let me just say, if I were ever in trouble or making bad choices the absolute LAST person I'd want to admit it to, and talk to about it, would be my grandma. She's the most stubborn, brutally honest, stand-for-no-crap person I've ever met. Yet Brandon chose to call him before me. He did text me Monday night, which I hardly count as communicating, saying that he was sorry and he'd call soon.

Tuesday night passed, Wednesday night passed. Last night I called my mom to tell her something regarding Brandon, and then she called him to tell him that I hadn't heard from him, but that he needed to know _____ . he told her he'd take care of it, and that he'd call me before he went to bed. Yet again, he didnt.

what is it that makes calling ME harder than calling anyone else? I can understand calling Brian - he'd be the first I'd choose to call too. But he has talked to my mom a couple of times, Brian, and Mimi yet apparently wants to continue this period of no talking with me. Is it something I did? Did I make him feel like he can't talk to me, or that I'm not forgiving or that I don't support and love him?

I didnt do anything intentionally of course...and if he perceives me that way, is it my fault or his own? And is there something I should do? I feel like this was all his doing, so I just need to wait and let him fix it on his own. But the longer it goes the more I feel like I am being personally isolated, that I'm the one he wants to talk to least.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined Brandon would be where he is, or that our "relationship" would be what it is. But, I just have to trust God that He is working in his life...what else can I do? I'll close with an email that my mom's friend Kim wrote recently:

Just this morning in my prayer time, I reminded God of the high school boy who had to lift his dad into the bathtub when he was so ill and how he stood before Him in Bill's memorial service, choosing to sing praises to God. He belongs to Jesus, he was purchased for a price and he was marked and sealed as Christ's own FOREVER. We continue to pray for his safety and God to intervene in a major way. Love you.......Kim

decisions decisions

So, in an effort to give one big push in the weight-loss area before the wedding, I decided I'd FINALLY start to curb my diet a little bit. I'm sure I've told most people how i feel about diets, but briefly: I think they dieting is pointless because it is a quick fix, but once you go back to normal eating habits (and face it, you will) you'll gain it all back. So my goal was to do this weight-loss thing while monitoring portion sizes and thinking more sensibly about what I eat, but not "dieting" and not cutting things out of my every day eating habits.

Anyhow, I was reading "Shape" magazine and it had an article "how to lose those 10 last pounds" and it has a chart of ways to boost your exercise or boost your diet. Here are the highlights of the diet changes:
1 tablespoon of peanut butter on your toast, not 2
switch the margarita for a wine spritzer
Pass on that roll at dinner
Try your sandwich without cheese
Opt for vinaigrette instead of ranch on the salad

1 out of 5 - is that bad? I have few food-passions...I'm not one of those people who just LOVES to eat, or LOVES much of any kind of food. But the few things that I just LOVE...that I could eat any meal of the day are...bread, ranch dressing, and peanut butter. So, they are asking me to can my only 3 true loves in the food world? To top it off - my favorite alcoholic beverage (of which I enjoy very few these days) is a margarita...you want to take that too? I say I can handle taking off the cheese in my sandwich, because I don't think it makes a huge difference, but my guess would be that also implies no more queso, mac-n-cheese (which i'm enjoying right now for lunch) and all other things cheesy.

So I have a choice. Move to a life of not enjoying food at all for 2 months, or go with my original plan of not altering my eating.

And I think we all know which choice I'll make. now, if you'll excuse me, i have some lunch to eat.

Sometimes I reserve what I say for certain audiences, being careful not to possibly say anything that might offend someone. But I'm not going to in this blog...I doubt that the few people I'd want NOT to read this will read it...so I am sure I'm fine. but, if one of these few people does read it - then I've said what I had to say and it's done. I'm going to write all of this in hopes that once I've written it, I won't dwell on it or think too much about it anymore - because I do not want to waste my time fretting over this.

and without further ado...(just wanted to say that)

My brother. not the one that I wrote an "ode" to a couple weeks ago. the other one. The oldest child. The brother I looked up to most when I was younger, always amazed at how many friends he had, how smart he was, how talented he was. Everything he tried at, he excelled at. (with the exception of football, lol) Brandon had it all...charm, charisma, talent, brains, ambition...of the 3 of us, he was the one who'd go the farthest for sure.

Then high school came, and he lost his ambition. He no longer put effort into things, he just did them and if he did them well, then GREAT but if he didn't, oh well. He didn't excel in school, but for not putting a lick of effort into it, I'd say he did pretty well. He was a natural leader, and he could make just about anyone like him.

Then college came and he seemed to somehow hide those other characteristics behind bitterness, anger, rage, frustration, and a complete lack of motivation. I don't know what happened. He likes to blame it on our dad dying, and/or our mom remarrying...but did I not go through those same things? And at an even younger age? Losing our dad was a tragedy, one I will never fully recover from. But to let my whole life go because of that? What good would that do?

So here we are. Me and my brother. The one I thought I'd always look up to...and the only feelings I have when I think of him are anger and frustration. I haven't spoken to him since before my birthday (july 19) and he just contacted my mom yesterday for the first time in 6 weeks. In what form of logic is it acceptable, and a good idea, to not speak to your mother (let me add in that she is a loving, forgiving, supportive mother...not abusive, not someone who abandoned you...a GOOD mother) for 6 weeks? He had very little remorse over it which makes it worse - but predictable. And he didn't care to ask how anyone was doing...not her, not his step dad who has been MORE than forgiving and accepting, or his 2 siblings who have worried about him endlessly. He did tell my mom that he'd be calling me and Brian both last night...of course he didn't.

But I don't even know if I want him to. That would bring us back into the realm of communication...but what do I have to say to him? if he's going to call just to tell me about HIS life and how hard it is to get by, pay bills, his restaurant closed, woe is me...I don't care to hear it. And if he's going to call to ask how I am (which he's not, I assure you) then all I have to say to him are things he doesn't want to hear. I'm not saying that its best if we don't speak, he's my brother and I can't imagine a life without him in it. Then again, I've had a life without him in it for a long time. Our once a month conversations that consist 100% of his life...those don't quite make me feel like he's IN my life. He doesn't know one thing about me.

I could go on and on...and in my head I'm sure I will. I had hoped that writing all this down would relieve some of the pain and anger, and let me free of it all but it hasn't. I only feel more frustrated, more angry, more hurt...I don't know how to get rid of it.

Until I figure out how to truly let it go and let God handle it (because obviously I'm not going to be able to) I guess I'll just be bothered by it and dwelling on it. So I pray I can let it go...